Rotkäppchen zum Wolf: "Hey Wolf, was kauerste im Gebüsch und schaust so angestrengt?"
Wolf: "Nichma in Ruhe k@cken kann man hia..."
"Mami, Mami, darf ich nochn bisschen mit Opa schaukeln?"
"Nein, der bleibt so hängen, bis die Polizei das ist!"
"Mami, Mami, ich mag nicht ständig im Kreis laufen!"
"Sei leise, sonst nagel ich dir den ander'n Fuß auch noch fest!"
Wie viele Pflaumen passen in den Korb?
Antwort: Der Bus ist langsam.
Und einer meiner Lieblingswitze auf englisch:
Three men are walking through the woods and find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." BAM he is now nodding and still flailing his arms around.
The genie disappears and the three men live their lives.
Years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is awesome in the sheets, and I've never been ill in all those years" Second guy smiles and says "Well, I made charities worldwide with my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."